Elvis Is Dead and I Don't Feel So Good Myself by Lewis Grizzard

Author:Lewis Grizzard [Grizzard, Lewis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Lewis Grizzard, humor, columnists, social commentary, Elvis Is Dead and I Don't Feel So Good Myself
ISBN: 9781603060837
Publisher: NewSouth Inc.
Published: 2011-08-19T04:00:00+00:00

10

Eddie Haskell is Still a Jerk

I MENTIONED EARLIER that Phil Donahue and his television show have been a great source of consternation for me. Five mornings a week, Donahue gets together with a crowd of women who live in Chicago and apparently have nothing better to do, and they discuss strange things.

One morning recently, for example, his guests were two homosexual women and a baby. The two homosexual women, who said they were very much in love, had decided they wanted a baby, so one of them was artificially inseminated with the sperm of the other’s brother, and the baby on the program was the result.

One of the homosexual women was black and the other was white, and I think they named the baby something like “Joy” or “Mud.” I only remember that the baby didn’t have a regular name like we used to give children — a name like Randy or Arlene.

I frankly don’t care if a black female homosexual and a white female homosexual decide to love each other, but I do have some concern for the offspring. Having been conceived in such an unconventional manner and having been given a name that would embarrass a dog, I wonder if the child will have the desire or the opportunity to do the things that are important to most children — such as playing Little League baseball, eating crayons in school, or laughing at a clown.

What bothers me about this situation in particular, and about the Donahue show in general, is where all this might lead. Television today is probably the greatest single influence on the American public. A recent study showed that the average TV in this country is on six hours and fifty-five minutes a day; that’s almost forty-nine hours a week. In a ten-year period, that’s almost three years of watching TV! It’s not surprising, therefore, that in many cases society has become what it watches.

So my question is this: Will all these televised discussions of aberrant lifestyles eventually make such behavior completely acceptable, and will people start producing babies with home chemistry sets and giving them names that will make it difficult for them to survive when they enter the Marine Corps?

Actually, my problems with television didn’t begin with Donahue. After my Aunt Jessie, who lived next door, brought home the first television I could watch on a regular basis, it took me a year to figure out that Howdy Doody was a puppet. I presumed he had once suffered from some sort of crippling disease, and that was why he walked funny. He also had a strange mouth, which I attributed to not brushing regularly. When Howdy talked, the entire bottom portion of his mouth moved like he was trying to eat a large cantaloupe. Whole.

Finally I noticed the strings attached to him. It was like the day I found out there is no Santa Claus and the day somebody told me they heard Lash Larue was in a porno film. It broke my heart.

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